NaNoWriMo Novel 2011: Part 22

I hold my forehead with my hands, pressing it gently. Rebecca crawls across the carpet. At my feet she kneels up and wraps her arms around my head, drawing me to her. Human touch. Unexpected. A tear trickles from my right eye. It’s like one of those tears that leak from your eye when you’re tired and lazing about in bed. I’m not crying. I’m just tired. Another tear creeps out of my left eye. My shoulders give a tremble. Rebecca holds me tighter. My shoulders are shaking now. My cheeks are wet. I see tears drop from my face. They land making tiny stains on my trainer. I am not distressed. My chest itches. Scratching it would break the embrace. The more I ignore it the bigger it gets. I twist my bum in my seat. Rebecca pulls away, looks at me as I scratch.

“Darling, your mother has been trying to get this movement to gain momentum for many years. It has looked, so many times, like it would, you know, grow. But something always happened to get in the way. Usually a man. So you see she has developed a fear of them. Of men. And even though you’re her son,” Lily shakes her head slowly, “ah, it’s so sad. Even though you’re her son she cannot find it in her to trust you. Even the glimmer of trust she gave you had a deep pool of mistrust below it. She never really met a trustworthy man to break her belief.”
“But my Dad was trustworthy!”
“Yes, in many ways he was. But his mental health. It was, you know, not good. And he killed himself. That was a big betrayal. She felt betrayed by it. Even though, yes, I know what you think. She betrayed him first when she started seeing Ron. But they had discussed it and if he had told her he couldn’t bear it she wouldn’t have done it. Of course, he could see how excited she was at the idea of getting first hand information. She loved to play at being a spy. I think he didn’t want to be the one who got in the way of that. I think he sensed she would have resented him for it… and she was the love of his life.”
Silence. “Is she really building a new community?”
“She doesn’t believe in it. She thinks the movement should be spread around not concentrated in one place. How would the-” Rebecca gives a little head toss as she corrects herself, “we subvert the Party’s messages on a daily basis otherwise?”
“They?” I smile at her and she purses her lips to stop a smile. I can’t believe she’s walked out on me again though. I thought. Well, I knew we wouldn’t be perfect ever but I thought we’d be in each other’s lives now. Forever. I did not foresee this. She’s a crackpot. Nutter. What a thing to do. Entrapment. That’s what it is. Not fair. Better off without her. But I miss her already.
“I think I always missed her. Even when I was with her. Whatever we did together left me feeling like I wanted more but I didn’t know of what. Just more. I used to cry sometimes and she’d ask me why I was crying and I didn’t know. I just didn’t know but I ached inside. She couldn’t satisfy me. She was always somewhere else, mentally. She was busy in her mind.”
“So you weren’t completely numb.”
“No. But those tears weren’t about my Dad. They were about the huge gaping black hole inside of me. Dramatically speaking.” I give Rebecca a weak smile.

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